Questions and listening
Open questions, summarising and labelling feelings uncover what the other side values, and make them more willing to hear you.
Closed questions end the talk; open ones start it
Closed · yes or no
"Is the rent negotiable?" → "No." You get one word and the door shuts. Closed questions are fine for checking a fact ("Is parking included?"), but they teach you almost nothing about what the other person wants.
Open · what or how
"What matters most to you in a tenant?" "How did you arrive at that price?" These invite a story, and stories carry interests, worries and deadlines. "Why" can sound like an accusation, so turn it into "What makes that important to you?"
Check yourself
Leila is viewing a flat. Is each question open or closed?
- "What's been hard about renting this place out?"
- "Is the rent negotiable?"
- "How did you arrive at $1,200 a month?"
- "Are pets allowed?"
- "What would your ideal tenant look like?"
- "Can I move in on the 1st?"
Show the answer
Open: invites a real answer: "What's been hard about renting this place out?", "How did you arrive at $1,200 a month?", "What would your ideal tenant look like?"
Closed: yes, no or one fact: "Is the rent negotiable?", "Are pets allowed?", "Can I move in on the 1st?"
BEFORE YOU REPLY
Summarise what you heard
Before you answer, say back what you understood, in your own words, and check it. It does three jobs at once: it proves you listened, it catches misunderstandings while they're still cheap, and it often draws out more, because people like to correct and add to a summary of their own view.
"So if I've got it right, you need someone who can move in by the 1st and will stay at least a year. Is that right?" Landlord: "Yes, and ideally someone who won't call me about every dripping tap."
Labelling
Naming the feeling or worry you notice behind someone's words, usually starting with "It sounds like..." or "It seems like...". The idea was popularised by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, in his book Never Split the Difference (2016). People tend to confirm or correct a label. Either way you learn something, and a worry that has been named usually feels smaller.
"It sounds like you've had tenants leave suddenly before." → "Twice. I lost two months' rent each time."
Check yourself
The landlord keeps mentioning that the flat must be let before the end of the month. Which of Leila's replies is a label?
- "Why is it so tight?"
- "It sounds like the timing is really tight for you."
- "Is the end of the month a hard deadline?"
- "I'm sure it will work out fine."
Show the answer
"It sounds like the timing is really tight for you."
Yes. It names what she notices, time pressure, without judging it. The landlord will likely confirm and explain, and Leila learns that a quick start date is worth something to him.
THREE WORDS BACK
Mirroring
Repeat the last one to three key words the other person said, as a question, and then wait. It's another technique Voss made popular. It feels almost too simple, but it signals interest and invites them to keep going, often into the detail that matters. Use it sparingly: two or three times in a conversation is plenty; more starts to sound like an echo.
Landlord: "I just need someone reliable." Leila: "Reliable?" Landlord: "Yes. The last tenant paid late three months in a row."
Check yourself
The landlord says, "I just want someone reliable." Which reply is a mirror?
- "I'm very reliable, I promise."
- "What do you mean by that?"
- "Someone reliable?"
- "It sounds like you've been let down before."
Show the answer
"Someone reliable?"
Right. She repeats his last key words as a question and lets him fill the silence. That's how Leila found out about the tenant who paid late three months in a row.
Leila, viewing a flat listed at $1,200 a month.
Leila: What's been hard about renting this place out?
Landlord: Honestly? Empty months. It sat empty all of
last spring. And the calls. Every leaking tap
is a phone call at 11 at night.
Leila: Empty months and late-night calls.
Landlord: Exactly. I'd rather have someone steady
than squeeze out an extra $50.What Leila learned:
- Empty months cost him money.
- Small repair calls wear him out.
- He values a steady tenant over the top price.
What she can offer: a quick start, a longer lease,
and handling small repairs herself.One open question and one short summary did all this. Leila never argued about the rent. Lesson 11 comes back to this flat and turns what she learned into an offer.
Listen more than you talk
- A rough rule many negotiators use: aim to listen more than half the time.
- Don't plan your reply while they're speaking. You'll miss the one sentence that mattered.
- When they stop, pause for a moment before answering; they often add more (lesson 6).
- Write down their exact words for key points. Their words are better than your paraphrase when you come back to it.
Check yourself
If you already understood what the other side said, summarising it back to them is a waste of time.
Show the answer
False
False. A summary shows them you listened, which makes them more willing to hear you, and it catches the misunderstandings you didn't know you had. It also tends to draw out more: Leila's summary got the landlord to add that he wants a tenant who won't call about every dripping tap.
Check yourself
- Omid asks the car seller, "Don't you think $9,500 is a lot for a car with this mileage?" The seller says, "No," and folds his arms.
- Omid asks the car seller, "How did you arrive at $9,500?" The seller explains he paid for new brakes last month and saw two similar cars listed at that price.
Why did the second question work so much better?
- It was asked later in the conversation
- It was a genuine open question, while the first was an argument dressed as a question
- It mentioned a specific number
- The seller was in a better mood
Show the answer
It was a genuine open question, while the first was an argument dressed as a question
Exactly. "Don't you think...?" invites a yes or no and puts the seller on the defensive. "How did you arrive at...?" asks for his reasoning, and now Omid has facts he can work with: the brakes and the two listings.
Lesson recap
- Information is the currency of negotiation: interests, alternatives and tradeable issues are all found by asking.
- Open questions start with what or how and get stories; closed ones get yes or no. Turn "why" into "what makes that important?"
- Summarise before you reply: it proves you listened, catches misunderstandings and draws out more.
- Label the feeling you notice ("It sounds like...") and mirror the last few key words as a question, sparingly.
- Listen more than you talk, and don't ask arguments dressed as questions.
- Prep-sheet line: three open questions I'll ask.