Self-compassion
How you talk to yourself after a mistake shapes what happens next. Learn the three parts of self-compassion, why it doesn't make you lazy, and a short practice for hard moments.
THE INNER CRITIC
Would you talk to a friend like that?
Think of the last time you messed up. Now think of what you said to yourself. 'Idiot.' 'Typical.' 'What's wrong with you?' Most people speak to themselves in ways they'd never speak to a friend. We tend to believe that harshness keeps us in line. This lesson looks at what research suggests instead.
Nima forgets his mother's birthday. To a friend in the same spot he'd say: 'That's rough, call her now.' To himself he says: 'I'm a terrible son.'
Self-compassion
Treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you'd offer a good friend when you fail, struggle or feel inadequate. Psychologist Kristin Neff, who has researched it since the early 2000s, describes three parts: self-kindness instead of harsh judgement, common humanity instead of feeling alone in it, and mindfulness instead of drowning in the feeling or ignoring it.
'That was a real mistake, and it hurts. Everyone gets things like this wrong sometimes. What would help now?'
Two coaches
A runner loses a race. Coach A shouts that she's hopeless and should be ashamed. Coach B says it was a hard race, everyone has bad ones, and asks what to work on this week. Which runner is more likely to train hard on Monday, and to keep entering races? Self-compassion is choosing to be coach B for yourself. Where the analogy breaks: coach B is outside you. Your critic is in your own voice, which is why you believe it so easily.
Check yourself
Match each harsh thought to the part of self-compassion that answers it
Show the answer
- 'I'm the only one who can't cope with this.' → Common humanity: struggling is part of being human
- 'I'm pathetic for getting this wrong.' → Self-kindness: speak to yourself as to a friend
- 'This failure is all I can think about. It's everything.' → Mindfulness: notice the pain without being swallowed by it
Self-esteem and self-compassion
Self-esteem
How good you judge yourself to be. It often rests on doing well and doing better than others, so it's there on good days and disappears exactly when you fail.
Self-compassion
How you treat yourself, whatever the result. It doesn't need you to be above average, so it's available on the bad days, when you need it most.
THE BIG WORRY
Won't being kind to myself make me lazy?
It's the most common objection, and the evidence so far points the other way. Self-compassion is linked with less anxiety and low mood and with bouncing back better after setbacks. In one set of studies by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, students who were encouraged to be self-compassionate about a failed test went on to spend more time studying for a retest than students who got a self-esteem boost or nothing. Harsh self-talk tends to make failure so painful that people avoid looking at it.
A student who thinks 'I'm stupid' avoids opening the marked paper. One who thinks 'That hurt, and I can learn from it' reads the comments.
Check yourself
Parisa believes that if she stops criticising herself harshly, she'll stop trying. The research on self-compassion mostly supports her belief.
Show the answer
False
False. Research so far suggests self-compassion goes with more willingness to learn from mistakes, not less. Kindness makes failure bearable enough to look at, and looking at it is how you improve.
A self-compassion break (about one minute)
- Name it: 'This is a hard moment.'
Or 'this hurts', 'this is stress'. That's the mindfulness part: you see the pain clearly, no bigger and no smaller.
- Connect: 'Struggling is part of life.'
Other people feel this too. You're not uniquely broken. That's common humanity.
- Be kind: 'What do I need right now?'
Say something a good friend would say. Some people find a hand on the chest or a squeeze of the arm helps. That's self-kindness.
Check yourself
Daniel failed his driving test for the second time. He's sitting in the car park thinking 'I'm useless at everything.' Which response is self-compassion?
- 'It wasn't my fault, the examiner was unfair and the route was ridiculous.'
- 'This stings. Lots of people need a few tries. I'll book a lesson on roundabouts.'
- 'I'm actually a better driver than most people on the road, so this result doesn't matter.'
- 'Never mind, I'll just forget about driving and take the bus from now on.'
Show the answer
'This stings. Lots of people need a few tries. I'll book a lesson on roundabouts.'
Yes. He names the pain, remembers he's not alone, and turns kindly toward the next step. Kind and accountable at the same time.
Check yourself
Harsh critic, self-compassion, or letting yourself off the hook?
- 'I snapped at my son. I'm a terrible parent.'
- 'I snapped at him. I was exhausted, and I'll say sorry tonight.'
- 'I snapped, but he deserved it. Kids need to toughen up.'
- 'I missed the deadline because I'm lazy and always will be.'
- 'Missing it hurts. Many people misjudge time. I'll plan in smaller steps.'
- 'Deadlines don't really matter, so there's nothing to learn here.'
Show the answer
Harsh critic: 'I snapped at my son. I'm a terrible parent.', 'I missed the deadline because I'm lazy and always will be.'
Self-compassion: 'I snapped at him. I was exhausted, and I'll say sorry tonight.', 'Missing it hurts. Many people misjudge time. I'll plan in smaller steps.'
Off the hook: 'I snapped, but he deserved it. Kids need to toughen up.', 'Deadlines don't really matter, so there's nothing to learn here.'
Lesson recap
- Self-compassion means treating yourself as you'd treat a good friend who is struggling.
- Kristin Neff describes three parts: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
- Unlike self-esteem, it doesn't depend on doing well, so it's there on bad days.
- Research so far suggests it helps people learn from failure rather than making them lazy.
- It isn't self-pity or excuses: kindness and taking responsibility go together.